


Empty

by Reola



Category: A3! (Video Game)
Genre: Bullying, Depression, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, i wrote this for suicide prevention day, its like 13 minutes late but here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:06:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26401624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reola/pseuds/Reola
Summary: Some things are only tempting when it's dark, silent, and you’re alone.
Relationships: Chigasaki Itaru/Settsu Banri
Comments: 2
Kudos: 37





	Empty

Some things are only tempting when it's dark, silent, and you’re alone. That was something Itaru realized when he was 13 years old. It was something that was mounting over the last five months. At school, he’d been getting bullied and had been harassed, punched, and now, completely isolated. He wanted to tell someone, but he’d always been kind of drawn in and was too afraid to tell. What if it got worse? They weren’t hurting him anymore, but he was still heavily isolated, and it all hurt nevertheless.

So now, with his family all out and just himself and his thoughts, he has the gradual beginnings of a horribly dangerous idea. What if he finally let out some pain? His parents won't be returning until tomorrow, and his sisters had snuck out, leaving him alone. This was how he found himself holding a knife to his inner thigh. Somewhere no one will see, and where it’ll hurt a lot. His hand trembled near imperceptibly as he brought the small knife to his skin, applied a small amount of pressure, and cut downward. He hissed as it began to sting and watched as blood began to well up. Itaru’s first cutting session lasted 25 minutes. At that time, he cut himself 10 times and cried for an hour afterward. After he bandaged himself, he swore he wouldn’t do it again.

That was a lie.

Two months later, Itaru, now 14, cut himself once more. He’d gotten into a fight with his sister, and, while he sat in his room upset, he thought of cutting once more. He’d felt better the last time, and, though he knew it was wrong, he craved that feeling again. The thought of that feeling freedom made his movements a little faster. This time, he used one of his sisters' razors, and he cut the other thigh. He cut for an hour this time and left 15 cuts. When he finished, he cried himself to sleep. He awoke to his morning alarm and acted as if nothing had happened the next day.

Itaru went on like this for years, cutting whenever he felt overwhelmed. No one knew, and surely, no one cared. As time went on, he got bolder, and the cravings got stronger. By the time he was 16, cutting had become a weekly thing. He always wore long sleeves and pants to cover the scars, and he never changed around others. During his second year of high school, he got into another argument with his sister, some kid stole his lunch money, and he dropped and cracked his phone. Now, here was Itaru, in the bathroom stall at school, cutting himself with the tab off of a soda can. He knew this was a bad idea. He was in a public place, the soda can tab probably wasn’t sanitary, and he didn't have a way to disinfect the cuts. In the end, the thought of release from his anger and sadness seemed too tempting. That was the first time he cut at school, and it was not the last.

When Itaru was 18, he stopped cutting. Nothing made him, and no one noticed. He simply graduated from high school and left home. His reasons for cutting were mostly resolved, so he simply no longer needed it. He went through college and started working. He forgot he ever used to cut, eventually. After 3 years, many of the scars were faded, and his pain a phantom that he rarely acknowledged. Again, it would prove to be when he was alone, and in the quiet darkness, that unresolved things always return. It was a letter he’d received 2 days ago. He hadn't been paying attention to it when Izumi handed it to him, and when he was going through his mail, he saw something that made him remember all of it all too vividly. 

A single piece of mail from an address he didn’t recognize had been sent to the dorms with his name on it. He opened it, and inside was a letter saying they were having a reunion. A high school reunion. All the thoughts of his high school years sent him into a mental panic. All of the pain, all of the time alone in the dark, and the overbearing silence of his room. All of it returned at once and suffocated him. As his emotions mounted, he found himself leaning back on old habits. He scratched the spot where some old scars remained and looked around the room for a sharp object. Something to pierce, something to release. 

He eventually found an envelope opener from work. He used it to cut some of the parts on his stomach. Nothing deep, and nothing too big, but he found watching them bleed hypnotic. His eyes traced the lines they made down his body with a look of infatuation. After 15 minutes, he stopped cutting and merely sat watching the blood dry on himself. Now calm, he cleaned up and bandaged himself. This would not become a habit again, he promised himself. He had no reason to do weak and useless things like this. The thought of Sakuya or Izumi seeing him like this was horrifying, and he wanted to cry just imagining it. Itaru played games all night after that. The quiet was too loud for him to sleep anyway.

Soon after, Itaru got a boyfriend. Things were fine again, and he didn't cut anymore. However, everything began to upset him. He was tired and sluggish, regardless of how long he slept, his head hurt all the time, and everything seemed pointless. His boyfriend, Banri, tried really hard to get him to snap out of it, and constantly tried to help him, but soon, he distanced himself from even him.

Two months after the last time he cut, Itaru decided that cutting gave him momentary relief, but that was no longer what he needed. He needed a more permanent one.

With a bottle concealed tightly in his grip, he went ahead and wrote something short and meaningful. After sealing the letter, he left it outside Banri's room for his lover to find. That teen had been the highlight of his days for the past six months. He realized how devastated he'd be, but he couldn't take another empty day. 

The brunette went back to his own room and opened the bottle. It was a plain bottle of painkillers he'd taken from Tsuzuru's room. He claimed he'd had a headache, and the other had all but thrown it at him so that he could go back to cramming. Itaru walked back to his room in a trance, and once the door shut once more, he closed his eyes and popped open the lid. He downed as many as he could as quickly as possible. It took a while to choke them all down, but he managed. There was an intense amount of nausea he fought back, and then dizziness. He fell toward the side, and as his eyes began to close, all he could think of was how much he’d miss Banri.

When he awoke, it was to white. Beside him, he could vaguely hear sobbing and the buzzing of machines. “Where…?” His voice croaked out, hoarse and dry. Immediately, there was a shuffling noise. 

“Itaru-san!” He rushed over to his bedside. “You’re… thank god…!” Banri began sobbing without even finishing. 

Over the next few hours, he explained what had happened. Banri had discovered him in his room convulsing and unconscious. Apparently, he’d gotten up to get water, and found his note earlier than expected. He was angry of course, to be expected, but soon after, he calmed down and told him they were gonna get Itaru a therapist, and everything would be ok.

It was hard. At first, Itaru didn’t want to open up, things were still hard to do, and old habits were not easy to break. But, Banri never gave up on him, and he had so many people supporting him.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this for national suicide prevention day. I really hope reading this opens up someone's eyes so they can see you are never truly alone.


End file.
